Last night there was a shooting at a church in Charleston. I know the church. I've never been to it but I've been by it many times. The shooting happened during a prayer meeting by a 21-year-old guy who had just sat through an hour of prayer and worship to God. How he could do what he did after that I'll never know. I don't think any of us will even if he were to try and give us some insight. He has been arrested and is in custody so maybe he will try and give some rhyme or reason but I doubt it will still ever make any sense.
Something I don't know that I have ever shared, though I may have on an anniversary, is that when I was in high school there was a shooting at a sister church of mine, Wedgwood Baptist, during a See You At The Pole rally. Was I there? No. But I was supposed to me. My entire youth group was supposed to be. It had been planned and promoted for some time. It wasn't until the night of that we were told that we would not be going. I remember my youth minister telling us that he was sitting in his office and he just felt that God was telling us to stay put and do our own rally. And that's exactly what we did. That Wednesday night, as we were up in the Backstage room (had to throw that in there. There is no "Backstage" or "Backstage room" anymore but I think it is safe to say that it lives on in many many of our hearts.) there began to be a lot of commotion and then it was announced that there had been a shooting at the very church at the very rally that we were, at one point, supposed to be at. We prayed, we worship, and we mourned like we never had before. We did not mourn for anyone in particular, at that time we didn't know if there were any casualties or really what was going on, but we mourned for our peers who were there, we mourned for the person who did such an act because it was obvious that they had never felt the true love of God, and we mourned for the shattered safety and security that would never be the same at such events. We mourned for what was becoming of our world. After all, this was not too long after the Columbine shootings but this was home. Our home. That night, as clearly as I remember it, is also such a blur. I remember going home and I was numb. Completely numb. I didn't want to talk to anyone, I couldn't cry anymore, I wanted to cry but I couldn't, I just remember being at church, hearing the news, and then being at home sitting in front of the computer reading the latest news. No words being spoken to anyone, maybe I did, you'd have to ask my mom, but I was just that numb to everything. I remember my mom bringing me the phone and it was my grandfather, he wanted to talk to me (or maybe she called him to talk to me, I'm not sure) and I don't know that I really said anything to him. I remember him praying, me going through me motions, "uh-huh...ok...yeah." but I don't remember really engaging in the conversation or anything. It is kind of weird to look back upon because I don't know that I have ever had that same feeling or detachment since.
All of these feelings and emotions came back last night when I first saw the news come through my Twitter feed and then all of the news notifications came pouring in on my phone and then my Facebook started blowing up. These people had just gone to their weekly prayer meeting where they were likely praying for the person who did this, albeit unknowingly, and from there so many lives were touched and changed. I know mine has been changed by the events that happened back in 1999. It is something that comes back to me at random times and something that I think about every time there is a rally or some large gathering. It is amazing how something that happened so long ago can feel so near and really affect your every day thoughts years later. Don't get me wrong, I don't live in fear and I don't dwell on those memories, sometimes it is a simple remembrance, other times it is an awareness of my surroundings, and yet other times it is a reminder of all of the blessings and protection that has surrounded me over the years. After all, I was supposed to be at that See You At The Pole rally at Wedgwood Baptist Church in Fort Worth, Texas back in 1999 with my friends and were it not for a true man of God that my former youth minister is my memories of September 15, 1999 may have been quite different.
One thing that I am certain of is that God is bigger than both of these tragedies. He knew they were going to happen and He knew who was going to be welcomed into His arm at that time. We may not understand why things like this happen and why God allows such things to occur when and where but He has his reasons. We don't have to know those reasons, we wish we were privileged to such explanations but we are not. One day we can ask God directly why He let such events happen but until then all we can do is rest in the fact that He is in control.
