I've had some tough times here lately, friends. Nothing huge, just a lot of little things but as you know, little things add up. Tonight was one of those times that make you second guess your parenting skills. I came out of bedtime with the girls feeling beat up and discouraged. I stood in the shower thinking, what have I done to deserve all of this?? I must have done something really bad. Maybe everything I have ever done is all adding up against me. But then if I repent, truly repent, then my sins are forgiven and it is forgotten, right? As far as the East is from the West. So why are mine not? All in all, friends, all these little things that have gone on have opened up a huge spiritual battle within me. It is exhausting, let me tell you. I have found myself having so many conversations with God that are complete circles. I state what I know He says and in the same turn find myself asking Him "why" and basically doubting Him only to turn back around and apologize for doubting Him when I know in my heart that what He says is true. See, exhausting.
Well, tonight, after a particularly rough night, I found myself humming the old hymn, "draw me nearer, nearer, nearer Blessed Lord..." and I couldn't figure out why. I have not heard that hymn in years, maybe (we don't sing too many old hymns at church anymore. :( ), and I just have not heard it yet here I am singing it?! Then I remembered something my mom told me years ago, when you wake up with a song like that in your head or you have one randomly pop into your head it might be God trying to speak to you. Um...not this time...that wouldn't make sense. I have been the one apologizing to Him for not spending more quality time with Him. I have been the one telling Him that I want to be closer to Him. And I have been the one asking Him to help me. He is the one who has not been hearing me. So I did what any brilliant person would do, ask Him what he is trying to tell me with that song. To be honest, I didn't really expect any answers; at all, much less right then. (Bad night, remember?) But it didn't take long before He answered me...I need to draw closer to Him. He is allowing all of these hard times to get it through my stubborn hard skull that I need to draw closer to Him.
The analogy that was brought to mind was a child looking for the attention of a parent. If you do not give a child the attention that they desire they will act out because any attention is good attention to them. In my situation, I have been talking to God and giving Him attention, per se, but not as much quality time or attention as He desires. So all of these little things that are adding up have been allowed because it has gotten my attention and caused me to give God some quality attention and time...even if some of those times were me angry and upset and doubting Him. I get it now. I have work to do but I get it.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. I know that these times are not over and this spiritual battle is not done yet so please pray that God will keep guiding me, speaking to me, and comforting me.
Now I want to challenge you, dear friends. Learn from me and my situation. When you are going through these tough times and you feel like you are being hit repeatedly, stop and ask God what He is trying to teach you or tell you. He may tell you immediately through a "duh" moment or He may use a random hymn that you haven't sang or heard in years but He'll let you know. And when that time comes that you need prayers, please think of me and let me know how I can pray for you, just as you have done for me.
